Thursday, 08 January 2009
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Dealing With Loss and Grief During the Holidays
The thought of approaching holidays does not always bring delight. Sometimes it brings a lump in the throat and tear to the eye. Other people may be buying gifts and planning trips. But you may be planning how to avoid parties and stay away from people.
Holidays do not necessarily create feelings of grief in us. Instead, they intensify the feelings that are already present. How can we deal with the sense of loss and grief we might feel during holidays?
Think of the word future. It will help us get a handle on how we feel and what we can do about it.
Focus on the Here and Now.
We don’t just have memories—we are our memories. They help define us and know who we are. A person without memories is to be pitied. Have you ever known someone with Alzheimer’s disease? If so, then you understand.
But we cannot live only in the past. We can become an emotional Lot’s wife, always looking behind us to see what lay back there. Maybe it was helpful and good. Maybe it was painful. But at least the past was known. The future can be scary and uncertain.
A helpful strategy for dealing with holiday grief is to look at today and plan for now. This does not mean that you have to forget the past. It simply means that you determine not to be stuck there. If your situation is different from what it used to be, ask yourself how you might still have a meaningful holiday. What can you do differently? Are there other people in your similar situation you could be with?
Don’t just drift. Plan. Think about today. Do something for yourself. Focus on the here and now.
Understand Your Changing Situation.
People in a crisis often feel they are walking an uncharted road. For them it may be, but many others have walked that road before. Those who have gone before have blazed a trail and left behind maps that will help you navigate the rugged terrain.
Investigate what you are going through. Read books and other material about grief. They will help you understand how you feel. Go to the library or bookstore and get some books on grief. Read and absorb them. One person who did this was amazed that some of the writers were able to articulate exactly what she was feeling. She said, “I had never really thought that anyone had felt this way, but now I see they have.” Granger Westberg’s little book, Good Grief, has sold hundreds of thousands of copies and has helped many people deal with loss.[1] Many others like it are in print. Understanding what a grieving person is going through is itself part of the healing process.
Your religious faith comes into play here, too. Ask God for help in understanding this time and in getting through it. If you are familiar with the Psalms then you know that many of them are very open about the terrible situation the author was in. Some express anger and frustration, but they always look beyond the pain of the moment to divine help. Consider Psalm 34:18-19 for example: “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all.” (NIV)
Touch As Often As Appropriate.
We never lose our need to touch. Age or grief does not necessarily blunt our need to touch other people and be touched. In fact, it may increase it. I learned this fact many years ago when I was a young pastor. One day I went to visit an older friend of mine in a nursing home. As I walked through the lobby I heard someone laughing. I turned to see an older woman standing there. She was laughing at me. Although I did not know her I stopped. She looked at me intently and said, “You know, you look just like my old man!” Then it was my turn to laugh. She said, “I sure wish I could hug you.” I stepped up to her and said, “Be my guest.” That lady latched on to me with surprising strength. When we had hugged each other for a moment, she laughed some more and then shuffled off down the hall. I never saw her again.
That experience convinced me that everyone needs to touch and be touched in appropriate ways, even in times of grief. Television personality Joan Rivers’ husband committed suicide. Their daughter was a student at the University of Pennsylvania at the time. She said, “A lot of people, ones I expected nothing from, would just randomly come up and hug me and then walk away. It was very moving.”[2]
Some people do not like to be touched, so be careful about this. Others who are still grieving recoil from touch. Be sensitive to the needs of those around you. If you need a hug or someone to hold your hand for a while, tell people. Most will gladly oblige.
Unite With Other People in Your Same Situation.
Being together with others who have experienced the same losses as you have can be a great comfort. But heed this caution. Don’t let your time together become a protracted “pity party.” Most communities have various support groups for survivors of losses. There are support groups for divorce, survivors of suicides, losses of a child, and others. These groups can help a grieving person walk through the known issues that will crop up from time to time during the grieving process.
The Bible has an example of a group of people going through grief together and helping each other. Psalm 137 gives this picture. The Jews had been deported to Babylon. Thinking of their former homeland was bitter to them. Listen to their cry: “By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept when we remembered Zion. There on the poplars we hung our harps, for there our captors asked us for songs, our tormentors demanded songs of joy; they said, ‘Sing us one of the songs of Zion!’ How can we sing the songs of the LORD in a foreign land?” You can feel the collective grief expressed in this Psalm. The people went through it together and helped each other.
Alfred, Lord Tennyson, wrote in his In Memoriam: “That loss is common would not make my own less bitter, rather more. Too common! Never morning wore to evening, but some heart did not break.”3 The commonness of loss and grief caught Tennyson’s attention. It catches ours, too. Others have experienced what you have. Let them help you.
Reach Out To Others In Need.
You are not the only person who has experienced grief. Many others have, too. One thing many people find helpful during grief is reaching out to others and doing something for them. One man whose wife died said, “I have discovered that the routine tasks of maintaining my job and family have helped restore in my life that familiar structure which the chaos of grief threatened to destroy.” The very act of helping his children and going to work to do his part helped him during his time of grief.
Doing something for others helps to relieve your sense of loss and helps you to heal. Can you think of people who need you now? Even if you do not have children living at home now, you probably have neighbors, friends at church, and acquaintances at civic clubs who could genuinely use your help. Giving yourself away in service is one helpful way to heal from your own wound of grief.
Evolve With the Times.
You have experienced a great loss. There is no one way to deal with it. There are, instead, many ways. But whatever you do, you need to know that things will never be exactly as they were before. Situations change. The key word here is adapt. Be willing to change and be flexible.
One family was willing to change like this. The wife and mother of this family died during surgery. The husband and grown children were devastated. They had not expected the death. The first Christmas after her death was a time of high anxiety for them. How would they get through the holidays without her?
She had collected small bells for years. The family decided to get together for Christmas as usual, but this time everyone would bring a bell in honor of their loved one. It was a new ritual they started that will help them heal and still honor the memory of their loved one.
Maybe you need to begin new traditions and rituals. We are not stuck doing the same things over and over again. Change with your circumstances when appropriate. Evolve with the times.
This will give you a future— something to look forward to and to live for. May God bless you during this special time of the year.
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